A day of rest. A day to reflect. A day of...
Well, stress. The last day of escape before a return to (working) reality. The roads are crammed with idiots; the streets littered with slow-moving people; above all, a creeping sense that in less than 24 hours, you'd wish you'd made more of the previous day.
There has been a creeping sense of doubt coming to my mind recently. Later I will be posting a blog about a new comedy (I have devised); something that is causing some excitement in my mind. My working week has become a lot harder as of late. A combination of increasing stress, growing pressure and personal circumstance have made the thought of another week almost unbearable. My brain has been letting me down. Dizziness, migraines, falling down, mood swings; deja vu, trouble walking have made me think something is badly wrong. If you live with clinical depression and insomnia, you hope that nothing else impinges upon your life; you hope for enough positives to impose some sort of balance.
I have been very proud of some of my friends as of late. At work, I have some very nice and supportive colleagues; who make the stress and sense of fear manageable- and there is a lot of fear. I have some musician contacts whom have followed their dreams, and put voice to microphone- creating songs, making plans and raising anticipation. I deeply admire that: that ability to do what you want to do in life; not what you think you should. My actor friend, Kate Hollowood, has had some recent success- and has inspired a blog that is to come later...
As I sit here and think of others; buying gifts; hoping couples are well; that people I know are fine, and that everyone I know is good. A combination of ill health, uncertainty, and a lot of stress and growing fear and sadness have sharpened my mind. For all of the terrifying neurological gut-shots; clarity creeps in. I have been thinking more of companionship: you get to a certain age where being single is not the most logical and sensible option. I have been making plans for other things: save for a holiday; move out; treat others, and above all- make plans for the future.
I have never thought too hard of the long-term. Having come out of a year-long spell of unemployment, the only priority was finding work. Now I have, I find myself thinking ahead. I want to be near London; to move on- I want to be in an environment where I am secure; where I can thrive, and essentially where I feel safe and happy. I have been very unhappy for many years, and want to change that: I want to make the most of what time I have.
Music has always been an obsession: a mistress; a lover; a sister; a loyal friend. Some will know that I have been reviewing music (on and off) for a while now. I have witnessed many different acts and bands come in: ranging from Swedish electro, to London punk. Few people know the other side of the story: me as a musician- well an 'aspiring' one at least!
I have been writing music since I was 18 (12 years now); and have a double-album's worth of song titles, designs, names, lyrics and ideas. I yearn to find 4 super musicians to complete the band; to help put life to the songs. I have been working on my voice. Whether it is a side effect of a deeper trouble or a strange (if pointless) talent; I can stretch the thing quite far. I have always been obsessed and enamoured of the voice; from the likes of Kate Bush, Freddie Mercury, Otis Redding, Bjork, Thom Yorke: I adore 'em all. Rather than be inspired by them, I have sort of trained my voice to sound like them- all of them. Being a 6"3 white guy from the Home Counties it may sound incongruous to have the tones of Kate Bush or Howlin' Wolf in your armour; unnatural and strange. That is what has always compelled me to do it. No other singer has tried to make their voice that, well- flexible. Whether it leads to ostracising looks and fear, be damned: it makes me excited. I don't want to hone or reign it in; every weird robusto soprano; contralto; falsetto; bass and tenor movement excites me; I want to sound a bit like London Grammar, Mazzy Star, Tom Waits, Pavarotti, Chris Cornell- whoever. It gives you range, and possibility, and it forces people to listen.
What is the point of all of this you may wonder (or not)? I guess it is a call to arms. I have been watching friends go through hell; some through doubt; have had a woman on my mind for too long- causing sleepless nights. I have had stress, near-death misses and fear and horror over the last few months. As the week unfolds I am glad that there are people that like me, appreciate me and will look out for me; yet cannot shake the fear and sense of instability, illness and sadness. I am 30 now, and feel there is little time to follow my dreams, if I don't start making plans. I feel that you should do what you want to do in your own life, and not exist in uncertainty and fatigue. I have witnessed a few of my favourite people growing and encountering success. In work, relationships and life in general, big strides are being made. People that were formally unhappy and lonely, have managed to turn things around. The 'relationship' 'financial' and 'personal' boxes have not been ticked by me yet: I want to them to be.
I only have 3 goals over the next year: find the money, bravery, enthusiasm and luck to be able to make music: if only one song, to show what I can do and what I can accomplish. I want to be less alone; to have someone to help foster my ambition, and finally, I want to feel safe- not happy (it may be a stretch), but secure and safely ensconced. Having a job has afforded me the chance to earn money to make plans and look ahead. Whatever I am doing at the moment is not working out; and whether it is impossible or not, I want to be where I am now, to where I want to be: to have everything in its right place, and to be part of a happier world. It all comes down to music: I am listening to it now; it distracts me; it inspires and is compelling me to get back to reviewing again...
The simple message is this: if you are the type of person whom has ambition and wants to set the world alight, then do it now: too few people do and have that impetus. I hope everyone- who wants to- gets there. A lot of people I know are doing that, and I want to join them- very soon...
Because one simple change... can change everything.
P.S.- new reviews to come soon; new blog to come in a few hours.