FEATURE:
Playgirl, Playboy
PHOTO CREDIT: Ebury Publishing
Inside Crystal Hefner’s Only Say Good Things and How It Made Me Reflect on Realities in the Music Industry
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THIS may not…
seem related to music, yet its themes and story is something that applies to the music industry and wider world. I am going to hear Crystal Hefner speak for The Trouble Club on 9th February at the Century Club, Soho. She will talk about her book, Only Say Good Things: Surviving Playboy and Finding Myself. The San Diego-born model and author writes openly and bravely about her experiences with Playboy and her marriage to the late Hugh Hefner. The misogyny and objectification that she was subjected to. Her words will resonate with women and everyone in fact. The way we still objectify women and impose these impossible beauty standards. Released on 25th January (that is the U.K. date; U.S. sites make it available from 23rd January), I am looking forward to reading the book and hearing Hefner speak. She is really inspiring. I am going to expand more and explain why her book can be applied to music and experiences women face through the industry. First, from her website, is some information about the brilliant Crystal Hefner:
“Crystal Hefner is a world-renowned entrepreneur and multimedia personality. From physical properties in real estate to a commanding presence online, she’s developed a highly respected portfolio of business experience.
Crystal has also curated a respectful presence of influence across her social media networks. She passionately engages her platform of over 10 million followers to bring awareness to key issues surrounding general lifestyle, health and wellness, animal rights, body image and objectification, beauty standards in the media, and more”.
IN THIS PHOTO: Crystal Hefner outside the Playboy Mansion/PHOTO CREDIT: Crystal Hefner
A must-read book this year, it is going to be a hugely powerful, eye-opening and emotional read. One where she will share her experiences and some dark moments with Hugh Fener and her association with Playboy. Maybe envisaging a different life or something that would lead to greater exposure (in a positive way), instead, Crystal Hefner faced a world of poison and objectification. Out of the other side and now moving on, her book not only exposes a relic of the old world and something that seems very archaic. I believe the Playboy Mansion is being renovated and may be restored. Let us hope one thing that is not restored is what happened between its walls. At a moment when there is misogyny and toxicity aimed at women, it seems like the degrading and demeaning nature of Playboy should be laid to rest! I am going to go on. First, you need to pre-order Crystal Hefner’s upcoming book:
“In this shockingly eye-opening memoir, Crystal Hefner reveals the toxicity and misogyny at the heart of Playboy and how she managed to rebuild her identity and sense of self after the devastating years with her late husband.
'I was 21 years old when I found myself on the front stoop of the Playboy Mansion, its ornate front door feeling like a route to success. I want to tell the real story of my time there - the good and the bad, the dark and the light. The story I wish I'd heard as a young woman trying to find my way in the world. Before I showed up at a party, allowed myself to stay, and made the decisions that would shape my life.'
In 2008 the Playboy mansion became Crystal Harris's sanctuary - a shimmering vestige of power and opportunity. Within months she had ascended its hierarchical system to become Hugh Hefner's top girlfriend. But her new home came at a cost. Forced to follow strict rules which governed everything from her appearance to behaviour, she began to lose her identity.
By the time she married Hef in 2012, the mansion had become her prison. Before he passed away in 2017, Hef made Crystal promise to only say good things about the decade she spent in his world. After years of silence, in this gripping and honest memoir Crystal finally exposes the toxic culture at Playboy's core and the devastating effect it had on her health.
In a world where so many still strive to achieve impossible beauty standards formed by the male gaze at the expense of their happiness, her extraordinary story of misogyny and objectification and ultimate journey to self-discovery reveals eye-opening lessons that are relevant to us all”.
PHOTO CREDIT: Brandon Sloter
It seems like Crystal Hefner experienced a lot of coercion and abuse. Being seen as an object. Now, empowered and free to tell her story, I wonder what the next step is. She could have a further career as a novelist or actress. She hasher Beneath the Surface podcast. Someone who could give talks and tell her story in a bigger way. Maybe creating a documentary or speaking with other women who were associated with Playboy or involved with Hugh Hefner. An incredible woman. Whilst she does not want to paint Hefner as a hero or villain, it is clear that his autonomy and dictatorship over women is rather disturbing and seedy. Someone who clearly did not respect women. In this interview, Crystal Hefner talked about her book, in addition to her life with Hefner and with Playboy:
“Hef's not like a hero or a villain you know, he's a very complex person," Crystal, who was married to Hefner for nearly five years when he died in 2017, told The Messenger while discussing her new podcast Beneath the Surface, which focuses on discussing a spectrum of topics with her circle of friends, ranging from relationships and mental health to gender rights.
She referenced her forthcoming book, Only Say Good Things: Surviving Playboy and Finding Myself, where she discusses the "dark side" of life in the mansion, and continued, "I feel in the book, it really comes across how complicated it was, you know, like showing all the love and then feeling controlled, and it's just confusing."
IN THIS PHOTO: Hugh Hefner and Crystal Hefner attend the 2013 Playmate of the Year announcement at The Playboy Mansion on 9th May, 2013 in Beverly Hills, California/PHOTO CREDIT: Paul Archuleta/FilmMagic
She continued that it might be hard for most people to understand what that life was like, though she has met people who feel connected to her experience. "I know the situation is very different than other situations," Crystal continued. "But, you know, I've spoken to different women that I know and they can relate to being controlled or being in hard relationships. I hope by talking about it, I can help more people."
Crystal, who remains board president of the Hugh M. Hefner Foundation, mentioned that Hugh had her on a curfew and she had to be home by 6 p.m.
"It was kind of disguised as movie nights at 6 or we have to go downstairs and eat and then go to the movie right at 6 so you have to be home by then," she shared with The Messenger. "Monday nights, he was with the men. It was called manly nights. I had a little break until 8:30 or 9. Those were later days. He had cards on Wednesday. Those were sort of like my weekends. Other than that, you had to be on 24/7. It was so interesting."
Crystal also said she was expected to participate in orgies.
She noted that she went into these scenarios "not really knowing who I was. And I feel that when you don't know who you are, it can get dictated to you."
"I just conformed," she said. "I was like the perfect person for Hef because I just went along with whatever he said. And I think that's part of not knowing who you are, yourself. Once you kind of find your own voice, you don't really tolerate a lot of that stuff”.
It is a complex situation. I am looking forward to hearing the Audible version of the book, as she must have a range of emotions about her time married to Hugh Hefner. Not someone who wants to shame him wholly and give a one-dimensional portrait; I think we will see debunked a myth that the Playboy Mansion is a glamorous place. Somewhere that was quite harmless if rather lurid. Behind closed doors, it does appear that the women who spent time there were sort of convinced into thinking it was good. Not brain-washed as such, they were led astray and stripped of a sense of dignity for a chance and glimpse of fame and excess. As a fog has cleared and Crystal Hefner, as a survivor, can discuss the truth about life with Hugh Hefner, it raises questions about the modern world and attitudes that still exist about women. How there are men who are telling young men that women should be controlled and abuse. Less severe in music, I do think that it is not completely embracing of women and their freedom. Still misogynistic and sexist. This feature from September takes us inside Crystal Hefner’s world and her forthcoming book:
"Hef, as she calls him, gave her a sense of belonging after coming from a broken family. “You depend on the kindness of others and you make yourself small to try to fit in. You have no power. Then I met Hef. He lived how the other half lives. You feel, ‘Wow, I could belong here too.’ At first, the Playboy Mansion felt like a sanctuary. It wasn’t. But then you either abide by it or you leave, and I didn’t feel like I had anywhere else to go or that I could make anything of myself.” That’s why she moved there with the twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon, 18, also chosen by Hefner to be a part of his tribe, a choice that was “devastating for us girls, but a game to him,” according to the mogul’s widow, who notes that it was easy to find replacements for the young women and that, being always on guard, it was difficult to cultivate friendships. “I’m learning what female friendship even means — learning what it’s like to have female friends that truly want the best for you that you could actually trust. It was a hard cutthroat environment for so long.”
IN THIS PHOTO: Guests arriving at the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles in December 2003, where Hugh Hefner was celebrating 50 years of his magazine/PHOTO CREDIT: Ann Johansson/Getty Images
It is common to see Hefner in the final photos of his life with the three young blondes, his wife and the even younger Shannon twins. In a documentary released a year ago, Karissa accused the tycoon of rape and confessed to having an abortion after becoming pregnant at the age of 19. Crystal has explained that, in a search of the house, she found photographs of many naked women, and that she decided to destroy them. It’s what she would have wanted them to do with her own images, she maintains. She also admitted to “arrested development” between the ages of 21 and 31 due to living inside that bubble. She was rewarded for being dependent and for many strange and competitive things. Now she says she is learning what it’s like to be a normal person and to go out on dates. But she realizes the reasons that led her to live that way at that stage of her life. And when the end was approaching, she felt the need to take care of Hefner, although now she sees that theirs was not a healthy relationship.
After Hefner’s death, his widow came to speak of him as “an American hero.” “He changed my life, he saved my life. He made me feel loved every day,” she said after burying him in a grave next to Marilyn Monroe, a niche that the businessman had bought 40 years ago. Today, she does not feel quite the same way. “All I can say is that if you come from a happy, perfect, loving childhood, you don’t usually end up with someone who was already 60 years old by the time you are born,” she said in her interviews. “‘The other day I found a picture of me with him at the very beginning. It’s just so sad. It [she means the image of herself] looks like a baby. I look back and I feel sorry for that girl. There was going to be this Wizard of Oz moment where the fantasy fades, you draw back the curtain and see the reality of it. But he who has the money makes the rules, right?’”
“Looking back, I think I had a kind of Stockholm syndrome,” she says. “There was part of me that always thought if this was real love, there wouldn’t be other women in the bedroom. I reconciled myself to it by trying to believe that Hef loved me as best he knew how.” She explains now that she is living an independent life thanks to the money the magnate left her, but also thanks to an intense activity on social media (she has more than three million followers on Instagram, which gets her paid collaborations) and her work as an ambassador for a digital club and as president of Hefner’s foundation, which defends freedom of expression and whose legacy she manages. But she admits that it is difficult for her to maintain romantic relationships, and that she is always receiving offers to meet older men.
Crystal kept the promise about only saying good things for five years. “After going through a lot of therapy and healing, I realized that I needed to be honest about my time there. The book is about healing from a toxic environment,” she told the NY Post. In her interviews she describes her husband as “a narcissist and a misogynist… he was a very complicated human. But he also did a lot of good. He helped a lot of people and helped stand up for things. At the same time, he also hurt people in ways that he didn’t realize,” she says. Harris, who now lives in Hawaii, has already visited 37 countries, has a podcast about to be released, has gone on dates with different men, has frozen her eggs to be a mother at a future date, and still loves British Cadbury chocolate more than anything in the world”.
As Hugh Hefner died before the #MeToo movement took hold, I wonder whether he would have changed and had an epiphany. Would he have been a dinosaur unwilling to evolve and realise what he was doing and what he is noted for has no place in the world?! I get the feeling that he would have kept his Playboy Mansion and not really done anything. You never know! This thing fuelled by the media that it was quite idyllic and sexy. In fact, there was this corruption and indignity that so many women had to experience. Crystal Hefner’s book, Only Say Good Things: Surviving Playboy and Finding Myself, will lead to conversations. I hope that it gets dramatised and has a wider lifespan. It not only reframes Playboy and Hugh Hefner. It arrives in the world when there is still so much misogyny. #MeToo made a different, though there is still a staggering lack of gender imbalance and sexism. Women across the world still seen as inferior. I think about Crystal Hefner’s recollections and what she had to face. Whilst not ass explicit in the music industry, it is clear that there still exists huge issues. The male gaze exists in music. Women still sexualised and objectified. Whilst not as bad as dark days past, I do feel that the industry has a long way to go. Many women have spoken about experiences of abuse at the hands of men in the industry. Many female artists still sold in terms of their appearance and sexuality rather than talent. A sexism inherent across the industry that has been slow to shake. Lessons Crystal Hefner has written will directly apply to music.
PHOTO CREDIT: Crystal Hefner
All of this makes me quite angry! We have women like Crystal Hefner writing affectingly. Her book will open up a lot of debate points. With so much being controlled by men, is there impetuous and possibility things can change for the better?! It is mostly women speaking about misogyny and abuse. With fewer male allies than there should be, how far can #MeToo go to creating this safe and respectful landscape?! There is no doubt things have moved forward, yet there are far too many occasions of women having to speak about their experiences of misogyny and exploitation. It definitely applies to music. I had this in mind. As I say, I am looking forward to hearing Crystal Hefner speak soon. I may not get to meet her, so I wanted to write here why her book is one I shall read with interest. How amazing she is and what Only Say Good Things: Surviving Playboy and Finding Myself will do for other women. It is going to be such a potent and moving read! A lot of this year will be taken up promoting the book. I am interested considering what Hefner will do going forward. She is a person who is a voice of inspiration and strength for young women. She can make a real change in the world. I have thought about music and some of the things women go through. How they have to fight harder for respect and to be taken seriously. This lure and male gaze that is still evident. When will we see a world where this is no longer the case?! Books like Only Say Good Things: Surviving Playboy and Finding Myself means we will get to that day…
SOONER or later.