Sonder & Tell spoke with Emma-Louise Boynton last year about Sex Talks and “breaking stigmas in the sex space and what it takes”. Boynton revealed her advice: “In starting or facilitating conversations around taboo topics you have to be willing to get things wrong and then own that and learn from your mistakes”:
“What is your mission with Sex Talks?
My mission is to spark more open and honest conversations around these typically taboo topics – sex, gender, intimacy – and remove the shame that so many of us feel about our relationship to our bodies. So, out of the pain and shame that surrounded my relationship to my body, has come my proudest achievement to date: Sex Talks.
Building a brand around taboo topics like sex can be challenging. What are your tips for starting safe, open conversations?
I think the notion of emotional safety, which is what I think we’re talking about here, is a tricky one because feeling emotionally safe is a subjective experience – it means something different to everyone. Nonetheless, the important thing for me is approaching every conversation from a position of curiosity and never judgement, being mindful to always use inclusive language and ensuring that a diverse range of voices are continually being included in discussions.
To state the obvious, I’m a posh, white woman, which gives me a specific and somewhat limited perspective and body of experiences when it comes to the broad range of conversations we have at Sex Talks. It also means I have blind spots. And that’s inevitable, we all have blindspots. But what I hope is then obvious in the way I curate and run Sex Talks is that I am always looking to reflect a range of voices and experiences in discussions by way of my interviewees. That, I think, is the key thing when it comes to starting conversations around topics we don’t typically discuss openly.
I also recognise that I’m going to make mistakes and there are going to be shortcomings, not least because you can never represent every single position and viewpoint in one conversation. But I am always prepared to throw my hands up and admit when I get something wrong, and that is also key. In starting or facilitating conversations around taboo topics you have to be willing to get things wrong and then own that and learn from your mistakes. So, stay curious, stay respectful and seek to constantly be learning from people outside of your bubble world.
Are there any storytellers you admire for the way they’re engaging with sex?
This is such a great question, I’ve never been asked this before. Over the summer I, like seemingly everyone else I know, became enthralled by Miranda July’s latest novel, All Fours. I found it refreshing for many reasons, chief amongst them that we seldom read, or watch or hear about the sexual desires and passions of women in that pre-menopausal stage of life. Ours is a society that puts such a premium on youth that we tend unconsciously, sometimes consciously, to desexualise people as soon as they’re above about 40, women in particular, which is ludacris.
Our relationship to sex changes and evolves as we get older – often I think in quite beautiful ways, as we get more comfortable in our bodies and shrug off some of those pesky layers of shame that get stuck to us from a young age – and this is something to celebrate rather than shy away from.
July’s protagonist, from whose perspective the book is written, is consumed by her sexual desires and relatable in how delusionally she projects these desires onto the object of her fancy (Davey). Despite the fact her chaotic nature grows grating at times, I felt genuinely thrilled reading about a woman so alive in her sexuality, and so selfish in her pursuit of carnal lust. As author, Elise Loehnan, writes in On Our Best Behaviour, while women are trained for goodness, men are trained for power, but in All Fours our protagonist isn’t even pretending to be good. She is prioritising her pleasure, her needs, her wants above everything and everyone else. However problematic you may find this (and I did, often) I think we need more flawed female protagonists who are sexual and desirous entirely for themselves, rather than for the gaze of others.
For everyone who has read All Fours, I have to also admit that I found the tampon scene probably the most erotic literary scene I’ve read in so long. And they didn’t even fuck”.